According to Gary Chapman, there are five main love languages. His book, The Five Love Languages, is one of those books that can change your life. This article is based on his concepts. Whether you are a parent or a kiddo reading this article, my hope is that by the end you have an idea of how you receive love, give love and understand the love language of those close to you helping foster your relationship with yourself and others.
What is your primary love language? Sometimes the answer is not as easy to identify as one would think. If a person has a hard time accepting love, their love language could be more difficult to identify. Other times it may not be the obvious choice. It is also worth noting that how a person receives love is not necessarily how they give love.
Love Language: Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation can be giving a compliment or showing appreciation in the form of a comment such as “thank you for….”
When a person’s love language is words of affirmation and they are given more encouragement, that person can flourish and do more of what is being appreciated. They do things because their love cup is full, not because they were asked to do it. They want to help out more.
Another indicator that words of affirmation could be your main love language is when you are told a hurtful comment, the words hurt you to your core.
Love Language: Quality Time
Quality time is receiving someone’s undivided attention. During this time there is no phone or television; there is no distraction. Quality time is truly giving a person your full attention. Do you find yourself asking your parent or child for more time or asking for things that you used to do with them? Do your children complain that you work too much? If so, this could be your, or your child’s love language. When together you are talking and hearing each other as well. It is sharing thoughts and feelings. When asking and receiving, the person may not be completely interested in what you like to do. They don’t complain because it is something you really like doing. That is love.
Love Language: Receiving Gifts
Receiving gifts is less obvious than how it sounds. A gift does not have to cost money. It can be found or made or something that the person has, like sharing half of a sandwich with you when you are hungry. A gift is something that you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or “She remembered me.” Gifts are a symbol of love and even if you do not care for the gift, try to remember it is the thought; the caring that matters more. If your love language is receiving gifts, you likely feel really good when someone gives you something, whatever the cost of the gift. If you are critical of gifts that you have received, then receiving gifts may not be your main love language.
Love Language: Acts of Service
Acts of service is doing things for people or when things are done for you. This could look like your sibling helping you carry something. Receiving can also look like your lunch being packed for you or your friend picking up your jacket that you left in the gym. Giving could be you pulling in the trash cans without being asked to, making your sibling’s bed or helping your teacher. If you feel a lot of care and love when these things are done for you, this could be your love language.
Love Language: Physical Touch
Physical touch can be hugging, kissing, snuggling, holding hands, touching foreheads or nose tips. It can also be a hand shake or high five. It could be getting or giving a back rub or head massage. Keep in mind, not all touch is equal and will not create the same feelings whether this is your main love language or not.
You may have realized that you can enjoy all of the love languages; however, everyone has a main one that means more than any of the others. A person can receive a lot of love but still feel empty because their main love lunges is not being fulfilled. What do you value the most? Think about what you ask for or complain about the most from your parent or child. Would you rather spend time with them or be given a gift? Overall what means the most? To help figure out how you give love, think about what you do the most for others. Do you give compliments, spend time with them, make them things, do things for them, or give hugs?
Love cannot be demanded, but if you feel you are needing more love, I encourage you to request what you need. On the giving end, if you are wanting to really fill a person’s love cup up, giving the love in that person’s main love language will be the most impactful. I believe people can shine when they feel loved.
Published in Boulder County Kids Newsletter Winter 2018