Have you wondered where your child came from because s/he is so different than you? Do you like being around people and play team sports and your child would rather read a book and be one-on-one? Just a few examples of deciphering that you may be an extrovert and your child an introvert. Even when a parent is an introvert themselves, s/he may have a hard time understanding their child. Recognizing that you have an introverted child can be helpful in so many ways. Most of the ideas in this article are based on that of the book The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child by Marti Laney. Alone with explaining what an introvert is and how to identify an introverted child, she also provides insight into helping your child to truly flourish.

What is an Introvert?

There are many definitions of extrovert and introvert. According to Laney, the main difference is how a person “derives, spends, and conserve energy.” An introverted child gets energy from within themselves. So while being around a lot of people may be enjoyable, it also depletes their energy leaving them to feel drained. A lot of activity or noise can also deplete their energy as well. Both extroverted and introverted children need a balance of activities, of stimulation with people and down time. 

Identifying an Introvert

Introversion can look like many things. So how can a person tell if their child is an introvert?

Identifiers: Does your child speak softly? Pause when speaking as if s/he is thinking about the next words? Act quietly in some situations and chatty in others? Seem tired after social activities? Observes often? Hesitant to join others? Hold their facial expressions and have a more flat affect when in public? Stop talking if interrupted? Look away when speaking but makes good eye contact when listening? According to Laney, if so then your child is an introvert. Identifying your child as an introvert may be helpful in understanding more about how their brain/body works so you can help set them up for success in life and help them to feel accepted just as they are (increasing their self-esteem).

An Introvert’s Brain

I won’t be going into too much detail but an important fact to know is that an introvert’s brain operates and develops differently than that of an extrovert. Their brains never stop which can make going to sleep troubling. S/he can have a wealth of knowledge on a topic(s). They may do things slowly and hesitate and say no to themselves. They tend to keep their bodies still to conserve energy and may notice pain more. Please refer to Laney’s book for more details of the inner workings and for more examples. An “innie’s” brain develops completely a little later than an extroverts. The last part which affects complex emotions and self awareness is developed in the mid-twenties.

Knowing this can help you know some directions to take to encourage your child to develop properly and with love.

Growing up and Flourishing in an Extroverted World

The world is biased towards extroverts and this can affect a child’s self-esteem. An introverted child is often seen as lacking in social skills, withholding or unassertive. One way an introvert’s self-esteem can be increased is by helping them to feel appreciated. As is important for all children, it is important for your child to feel heard and be encouraged to share their thoughts and feelings. 

Be sure to give space and time when conversing so s/he has time to think and talk. Innies enjoy the little things and simple activities like taking a leisure walk can encourage them that it is okay to slow down and appreciate. When your child has inquiries about a topic encourage the learning and ask if s/he would like to look something up or talk about things. Try not to solve problems for your child, s/he is likely an excellent problem-solver and will be creative in the process. Have art supples to help that creative mind flourish. Typically, innies have high emotional IQ, are capable of empathy, expressing their feelings well and conversing. They like alone time but at the same time value one-on-one with their parents or a friend. Reassure your child that you are nearby when in separate rooms. Try to be consistent and have your schedule be predictable (with an alone time break as a daily occurrence for recharge). Above all else, your introverted child needs to feel accepted and good just the way they are. 

Published in Boulder County Kids Newsletter Winter 2015