It feels good to be needed, but it also can feel good to be needed a little bit less and have a more independent child. It is possible for a young child to learn how to self-soothe. Before going over some self-soothing techniques, I will be discussing how to recognize that your child is in need of self-soothing, signs of stress/anxiety, identifying triggers and learning what is causing them, and modeling for your child somethings to do and helping them do some as well. At times, before a child can self-soothe s/he needs to be taught how to self-soothe. 

When Self-Soothing is Needed-Signs of Anxiety

A child will give indicators that s/he is in need of self-soothing prior to those moments of major distress. There may be a change of temperature, so this could look like your child is sweating when it is not hot or saying they need a blanket when it is not cold. Your child may be looking around (avoiding eye contact), experiencing a hard time concentrating, have a racing heart and shortness of breath, tense neck muscles, and/or fidgeting. Your child may be irritable, have diarrhea or use the rest room often, be fatigued, and/or have insomnia. Your child may complain of stomachaches or headaches. When a child is complaining of a stomachache/headache, or any of the other symptoms frequently, your child may be telling you that their anxiety is at a constant high level.

Identifying Triggers and What Causes Them

When anxiety continues to increase, the feeling can come out in many forms, (one of the above or possibly as explosive behavior and excessive crying). When this occurs your child is often inconsolable. Whatever just happened, or was said, was a trigger for him/her and pushed their anxiety over the top, and they no longer have control over themselves. If it is inconsistent and seems random, the child’s anxiety can stay at a high level, and any stress can tip them over. When at a constant high level, your child may benefit from professional help, to help process their feelings and build their tolerance for anxiety.

Modeling and Reflecting Understanding 

We naturally reflect when we are excited or happy. It is the hard feelings that can be difficult to reflect: Hard feelings such as frustration, anger, and sadness. The next time you find yourself feeling a hard feeling:

• State the hard feeling.
• State the body sensations that told you what feeling you were having (eyes looking around, racing heart, tense neck).
• Model a self-soothing activity. Example: “I’m angry. My voice is getting louder. I’m going to take a few deep breaths.” Another example: “I’m frustrated. My neck is tensing up. I’m going to go into the other room and clean the dishes.” Be sure to say what you believe your child is feeling. Also, choose an activity that will genuinely help you to feel calmer. This will help your child accept all of their feelings and to understand them more. A way to reflect understanding can sound like, “I know you are angry.” “You’re disappointed we couldn’t stay longer.” As people we all want to feel heard and understood. By modeling acceptance of your feelings, it will help your child become more comfortable with accepting their own feelings.

Self-Soothing Techniques

There are many self-soothing techniques that you can model, encourage your child to do by themselves, or do with your child. It is important to find techniques  that you are comfortable with and that help you when modeling. I encourage you to choose two techniques to start with and build from there. Another option with modeling is to encourage your child to do the activity with you. A few techniques that are helpful include, but are not limited to, giving yourself a hug, stretching, moving, walking, running, crawling, squeezing down your legs and arms, taking a few deep breaths, drinking cold water, listening to music, or cooking. A few that you can encourage your child do on their own include jumping on a trampoline, rocking in a chair, bouncing on a big ball, hiding in between pillows, skipping, sucking a sucker, eating something crunchy, riding a riding toy, playing with play dough, or pushing/pulling/pressing/or carrying something. The last technique of carrying something can be especially helpful when transitioning into a next activity. Being tucked in snuggly can be calming and help the person to relax as well. Your child will let you know what helps them and what does not. When you notice those signs of stress decreasing, his or her anxiety is lowering. Model recognition, acceptance, and patience with yourself and feelings, and your child will learn to do the same.  

Published in Boulder County Kids Newsletter Summer 2014