DEFINING EMPATHY
Empathy can be witnessed in a person as young as 19 months old, however true empathy does not usually occur until a child is 8-9 years of age. Empathy is being able to put oneself in another’s shoes and feel what they are feeling. It is seeing a situation from the perspective of another person. If you have ever felt an emotion because someone else around you was feeling it, said “I know exactly how you feel.” or feel as if someone understood what you were going through then you have experienced empathy. An empathetic person will feel what the other person is feeling and either take action or help the person resolve the problem when possible. There are many benefits to being empathetic, and thankfully if a person is not naturally empathic, empathy can be learned.
BENEFITS OF BEING EMPATHIC
Being empathetic can be overwhelming for those people who are naturally very empathic and do not know how to regulate their emotions. The person may cry and feel like they do not want to be crying. Along with empathy, self-regulation can be learned. Being very empathic is a good quality so please do not try to change this about yourself or someone else! Being empathic can help build healthy positive relationships. When you put yourself in your child’s, sibling’s, or friend’s shoes it will not only help them to feel understood but it can help you to understand what they are needing as well. This quality can lower stress which is good for your over-all well-being. This is also good because you must be calm to understand how another per- son is feeling. An empathetic person is present and aware of their surroundings which can be helpful in many ways.
HOW TO OBTAIN
While some people are naturally empathic, others lack or have little empathy. If someone you know lacks empathy, you can help them. If that someone is your child, I recommend these steps. First, have them acknowledge or become aware of a person. Then have them notice what that person is doing. For example, saying “Your sister is crying because her bear was left at grandma’s house.” Then, help them realize what she is experiencing. Acknowledge the event. For example, “Your sister is probably feeling how you felt when your friend had to cancel coming over to play the other day.” She feels sad. Then ask them, “Can you think of anything that could help your sister to feel better?” Brain storm with your child. It could be them saying, “I’m sorry you don’t have your bear.” They could offer one of their special stuffies to hold onto until their bear comes back home.
Another approach would be asking what was it like when they were disappointed or sad the other day. Help them to really feel so they understand.
When you empathize with your child, you can share your experience or story when they are needing normalizing so they do not feel alone in the feeling. Be mindful to quickly put the focus back onto your child and what can be done to help them. Having empathy for someone does not mean you rescue the person. Sometimes simply sitting with the person is all that is needed. It helps knowing that someone else acknowledges what you are going through. When you are in need of empathy and they are trying to rescue you, I encourage you to say what you need and don’t need and share your feelings.
STAY STRONG
It can be difficult at times to stay empathic when others around you lack empathy. Be empathic because it feels right. It can feel amazing to be there for someone else. By connecting with others in meaningful ways, you are helping your own stress levels go down, be present and form good relationships. When you observe your child showing empathy; encourage and praise them. When others are not showing empathy, show yourself empathy. Be your own friend and be kind to yourself. If you or someone you know is not naturally empathetic, be patient and acknowledge when growth occurs. As with anything, change takes time and effort. Imagine what it would be like to be surrounded with empathy. Be that empathy and more will come.
Published in Boulder County Kids Newsletter Winter 2019